Happy New Year

I'm just going to say it. I love to be loved. My number one love language is people showering me with kind words, telling me how great they think I am. It's how I'm made. I do believe this and have mostly come to accept it. But then someone shares a link on facebook to this post by Donald Miller and I say "ouch". I'm not one for New Year's resolutions. I usually have a general hope for the year like losing weight or reading my Bible more, etc. Instead I try to focus on some area where I really feel God challenging me to grow. Past examples would be embracing the journey/process of life, learning to trust God in all things, and living in humility. I do not have any of these down pat, but I feel like I've come to a place where I can remember them and apply during or quite often after a situation presents itself. Either way I am constantly reminded that I am a work in progress, ever learning and growing under the care of my savior who loves me. But then I read that and wonder what to do with it. I suppose it goes filed under my humility lesson? Or perhaps a new file that says "God is my source of Love". This year I'm adding that to the list of growth focus. I want to learn to feel satisfied in God's love and forgiveness instead of seeking the approval and praise of man. To be able to praise Him for all things as He is sovereign, to have a Christ filled perspective, a truly eternal mindset. Here's to it.

Grateful

I feel kind of sad that it's been so long since I've done this...but of course this blog is used to being neglected. I've been thinking about my casual complaints. You know the complaints about everyday annoyances that in the grand scheme of life really aren't that bad. However, the antitheses of the source of my annoyance would be awful...does that make sense? I'll start my thankfulness list and you'll see what I mean....

- I HATE it when I lose pressure while taking a shower or the water goes cold
26. Running water
-I wish my stomach fat would magically disappear
27. Food in my tummy
-My 6month old's teeth are not so cute when he's nursing
28. a healthy, growing, beautiful little boy
-We only have one toilet for this family of 6
29. a flushing toilet
- The paint peels off the walls of this ancient house, and no matter how much you clean, it will never look fresh and clean
30. a sturdy home to protect us from the cold
-Sometimes I just want to stay home on Sunday and snuggle on the couch
31. a country where I am free to worship Who and how I choose.

letting go of the pb eggs

I've received 3 Easter cards. All from people on my side of the family. I don't' send Easter cards. I don't send any card except for birthdays and Christmas. However, Easter is the biggest deal. Without Easter all the other holidays wouldn't really matter. So why don't we send cards at Easter? I have been trying to do more with my children each year as they grow and learn. They know that Easter is about Jesus and not chocolate and eggs and bunnies or those awful peeps. (sorry to you peep lovers out there, but ick) My daughter told me that she told a girl on her bus about Easter and Jesus because the girl "didn't know about it." This makes me feel warm and fuzzy. That is probably the best way to celebrate Easter, telling others what it's really about. I'm thankful my 6 year old reminded me of this. I need to be challenged with the following question: if there were no more peanut butter eggs (my fave) at Easter, would I really be okay with that? I think so. I know so.

New

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.

Lamentations 3:22-24

We are not consumed because of His great love. How awesome is that? Last week I threw myself a pity party. What's worse is I invited some friends. Ugh. Let me just say that I am thankful for good friends, who still appear to want to be my friend, in spite of me. An example of that before mentioned great love. The invites went out when I started to feel lonely and like nobody loved me, respected me, blah blah blah. I was listening to lies. It's a slippery slope when you start to do that. After a long talk with one of those fab friends I took a walk and sobbed. I hadn't cried like that in a long time. I'm due every so often. It was there that the Lord reminded me that we've been here before but we don't have to stay. This same place of looking for contentment, security, significance, love, respect, comfort, etc. everywhere except the place where I already have it. I had slowly crept back towards putting this on people instead of leaving it in the Lord's hands. So of course I felt rotten for doing so but He reminded me that with Him every morning is new. Praise the Lord for that. I look forward to more new.

Goals

I don't like goals. Chalk it up to my fear of failure, but I don't like to make them often. If I do they are usually a secret. I also do not like to be legalistic about things, but I can't handle not doing something I say I'm going to do. grrr. The fact of the matter is I am also a person who does well with accountability, so I am going to go public with a few goals I have. I'm still figuring out how to make some of these happen, but feel free to check on me anytime. I will feel loved :)



In no particular order

• Play my guitar once a week.


• Memorize a piece of scripture once a month, involve the kids in this somehow (could use a partner in this, any takers?)


• Have REAL quiet time at least once or twice a week (this means, Bible open when there are no kids around, reading & praying w/ possible journaling for at least 20minutes if not more)


• Get to the gym at least 3x a week


• Sew something at least once a month


• Complete a organization/de-cluttering project once a month


• Be more consistent with kids on their chores.


• Lose weight (overall health, and I don't want to buy any clothes in a bigger size!)


• Learn more about simplifying life, through less spending and reducing possessions as well as appreciating nature and family time instead of turning to movies and Internet.

I know there is more, but I will start with that. I think I need to print this and put it somewhere I will see it so I don't forget.

It's not about me....in case you were wondering.

It's late and I need to go to bed. I've been slipping in and out of my insecurities lately and it's bugging the you know what out of me. I'll be in such a good place and then before you know it I remember that I'm fatter than ever and start taking everything personally. I nag my poor husband and if he answers me with any edge in his voice I am in tears. Perhaps it's woman stuff. Perhaps not. Anyway, while I'm still feeling crappy about myself I hear about something stupid that someone else has done. I can't wait to tell my poor husband and start to feel superior again! And then I get hit with reality. It's happened before. A dear friend in a bad place or dealing with something heavier than I could imagine and all I can think of is hitting my knees for them and of course to thank God for His patience and His forgiveness of one who is can be so petty. Today I get news of a dear one who has some heavy, scary stuff going on in her family. My weight, whether people like me, if I'm being a better parent than others...all nothing. There are people hurting on so many levels in this world, and they need to see that Jesus is real in their lives. I'm tired of this cycle, but I'm hoping that each round of it is one step closer to home.

Bulletin Cover 3/15

I recently had a week where I made some mistakes. Yes, everyone makes mistakes, but these were the kind of mistakes that were made in front of others and I was called on them. It’s not so bad when you mess up and no one knows it. It’s easier for me to brush that off and move on in life. However, the times where I publicly say something stupid or arrogant, (my mouth is usually what gets me into trouble) and people take notice, are the times when I am really knocked down by my sin. When everybody else sees it I can’t pretend it didn’t happen and I am forced to deal with it. I have to recognize that I need the Lord. I am reminded that I cannot coast through life on mealtime prayers, and Sunday morning attendance. I desperately need God with His grace and mercy. So I read the scriptures and I cry out to Him and He tells me He loves me. He tells me that He came for the foremost of sinners, not those who trust in their own righteousness. He tells me these things and again I am humbled and thankful. Even in my sin He has chosen to use me as an example of how far His love and patience reach. I’d rather He use me to show others something that doesn’t involve me falling on my face in the mud. But that is the attitude that sends me to the mud in the first place. I don’t like to have that kind of a week, but I’m sure that I need to be knocked down every now and again so I can be reminded of Who is holding me up.


“And the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among who I am foremost of all. Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Timothy 1:14-17

be careful what you ask for

Did you know that if you ask God to humble you He probably will? Twice this has happened to me this week. It hit me so hard, sent me into tears and feeling of depression. I'm still bugged by these events, but I want to accept humility. How do we do this? I don't want to just brush them off so I simply feel better. I want them to soak in as lessons, to accept them as part of His pruning. Ouch, but how much prettier I'll be later.

6But He gives a greater grace Therefore it says, "GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE." 7Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. James 4:6-7

Buried

Me: "I'm asking you as a husband. What do you think? Because I don't want to."

Husband: "Then I think you should."

He was right. When the pastor mentioned a few weeks ago that there was going to be a baptism service, I immediately felt a weight fall upon me. When he said that if this was something that we were ready to follow the Lord in, and that we should come see him, I felt almost a burning swell up within me.

I can't remember a time where God wasn't a part of my life. I can remember praying and making a decision by a gold couch in my old room. Though my dad remembers an earlier prayer with him. In fourth grade I went forward in church to make a public profession of faith and later talked with our interim pastor. Baptism came up in the conversation, but soon after our church hired a full time pastor and it didn't come up again.

I honestly didn't think of it tons after that. It didn't bother me. I had been baptized with the Holy Spirit at conversion and water baptism is not a requirement for salvation, so it was no big deal. Then when as I matured, opportunities arose and I let them pass by. (One opportunity being the chance to be immersed in a lake in the Rocky Mountains...still trying to forgive myself for this, sigh.) There were times I even wore it as a banner for the cause "saved by grace, no works required." This being true, we are saved by grace, we are still called to obey in order to have a full, deep and intimate relationship with the One who has saved us.

Needless to say, the Lord has been persistent in pursuing me. After the earlier mentioned conversation with my husband I went talk to our pastor and could barely get the words out. The hardest part of this whole experience was to be willing to humble myself before people I know and many I don't know. To be able to say to everyone, that I want to follow Jesus and after 25ish years of doing so, I am stilling learning, still seeking, and I have not figured everything out. I think I do this in small ways or with close friends who know me well. However, if I'm honest I'd rather not have people thinking that I can be clueless on various points of life including an array of spiritual matters.

When I was there, it was easy. I thought it would be hard, but it wasn't. There was a passing moment of emotion and near tears when we sang Amazing Grace. I was moved as the pastor read from Romans. And that was it. I was just happy and peaceful. It was the right thing to do. As it is always right to obey our Lord.

Thank you to all who supported me from near and far, if you only knew how much that meant to me, and how much I love you.

I am thankful that I was be able to share this with my children and my man. Don't I look happy?

*first photo of cross by my son J

*all other photos by Tina, who would probably like me to say that she doesn't think they are that great, but like them!

quote to chew on...

Excerpts from The Indwelling Life of Christ, by Major W Ian Thomas, Chapter 9;

The Holy Spirit always exposes the flesh for what it is, and there is nothing more infuriating to the carnally minded Christian than when those who are spiritually discerning remain unimpressed with him i spite of so much self-advertisement.

Consent, therefore, to die to all that you are which does not derive from all that Christ is, and thank Him for His willingness to make it real in your experience.

sometimes I'm not sure what side of that (the first sentence) i'm on...

I'll be somewhere else, doing something else and be filled with something to write, but by the time I get here it's gone, or quickly fading away. I don't like this. And yet I have kids, and other responsibilities and even now I think I'll be writing this in pieces, as my kids are downstairs playing, but that will only last so long. So as I have a moment I'm going to try to get out some of what's been going on in my upstairs region the past week or so.

My last post had the "Cardboard Testimonies" video. I still can't watch it without becoming a bit pheclemped. Mostly I am just humbled by the reminder of how little I recognize the workings of God. Even when I try to think of what my Cardboard Testimony would be my first thought is, "well, really now, what has God done in my life?" This is ridiculous, I know, but I suppose I have always suffered from the comparison complex. I see the big, amazing, in your face testimonies and rarely look in the shadows of what He has done in mine. And He HAS done great things. SO what would my piece of cardboard say....for now it would say, "wanted to jump to the end" flip it, "loving the ride". Even with that I want to add "most of the time" but I suppose that is the point - growth. If I get another tattoo, remind me that I want it to say that (sorry mom :) .

The other night I was thinking about fear. I like to think I'm a no fear type of gal. I've been bungee jumping (which I've learned is not a good thing to tell your life insurance agent), I'd love to sky dive. I have rational fears, like I did get a little naturally freaked on the inside before I went bungee jumping, but I still did it and want to immediately do it again. Still, I was driving home that night and reflecting on my day. I had been horseback riding and it was the first time in at least 6 years. I used to show and ride from ages 9 to 18, so this wasn't completely foreign to me. Still I was slightly nervous. I wasn't afraid of falling of the horse. I was afraid of looking like an idiot. Even more so I was afraid that the person I was with would be able to tell that I didn't want to look like an idiot. As gracious as she was, I'm sure she could tell. Fear of man...grrr. I truly hate it. How many times does the Bible talk about the Lord being on your side, or going before you and whom shall you fear? Tons of times. Enough times that I should know not to fear by now. I should fear nothing but God. At time like this I realize I have no clue how great and mighty our God is, no clue into the concept of eternity.

Missing Piece

When my mom was here and we were waiting for baby number three to arrive, she bought a box of puzzles. I must admit that I was not thrilled with the idea. Large puzzles have always annoyed me because I would look at them, add a piece or two and then get stuck. So when the first puzzle was started (there were 9 in the box I think) I wandered over, found a few pieces and before you knew it I could not tear myself away from it. The other night the kids wanted to do another one, which means I'll do it and now and then they'll check on the progress. Once again I became hooked and was determined to finish it, (it's a painting of Time Square) and it basically took me to nights and I finished it up yesterday morning. While I was placing in the last few pieces I stopped to examine a piece more closely and dropped it. I still haven't found it. So 749 pieces down, 1 to go. There are so many metaphors I could ramble on about when it comes to a missing piece. But lately I have been thinking about how I still think that things of this earth will "change my life". Those are the exact words that I think and sometimes speak when something new and yet temporal is about to enter my world. I said it when I got a new vacuum that I wanted for my birthday (did not change my life, but I don't dread vacuuming anymore). I recently said it after we decided to buy a dishwasher. All the while there is God's voice in my head saying, "Um excuse me, I believe that I change your life." Yes, HE's right....not vacuum's and dishwashers (although they are part of His blessings) or even a million dollars will change my life in the way that He can and has, and continues to. I don't want to be waiting on a lottery that I don't play to fall into my lap, and then I can do amazing things for God. I want to learn to serve in the small things, in my home, in prayer, behind the scenes, and then not be afraid when the big ones that I've asked for come along.