a jumble

I was thinking about this blog and wished I could have it wired somehow so when I started thinking of what I want to write on here it would just be transmitted from my jumbled brain to here. I've tried carrying a notepad with me so I can write thoughts as they come to me, but I don't do it, or I am driving and can't. Anyway...back to the purpose of this. Even now I pause, I want to stop writing. The point of me starting this was to have a place to be more personal, to be more vulnerable (whether or not anyone reads this), and as I read what I have written, there hasn't been to much vulnerability or humility. Perhaps a little and I know really know what I expect from myself, but I noticed there was a lot of "this is what I think about that". That's okay to a point, but I want to be more....of what? I don't know. I want to live deeper and more genuine, without fear of man. Just when I think I have that licked it comes rushing back from behind and knocks me down. I have been in my parents home for roughly two weeks and it has been great. A bit earlier as I was folding clothes and packing to leave to morrow, my mom was holding the baby and playing with him and I had a moment where I was aware of how natural it was to be with my mom and my kids and how strange that the experience was not a more regular part of my life. Three thousand miles is a barrier that cannot be hurdled, and I really have become more okay with it, but I still get a little sad at times. I want my kids to know my side of the family. I just spent some time with my brother who I haven't seen in six months less of two years. It was such an odd combination of getting to know someone all over again and sensing familiarity. I hugged him when I saw him and got teary eyed and pheclemped as I told him he looked like a stranger to me. (He looks so different! But good) I feel like I hardly know his wife as sweet as she is. My kids LOVED being with them and holding their hands and people/dog watching with them out the large windows of there studio apartment. I can't think about the distance and what we're all missing out on too much, because frankly it SUCKS. There is no eloquent way to put it. There are thousands of reasons why where we are living is a good ting and I have seen God work through geography to benefit a variety of relationships in my life, as well as a variety of personal issues in more ways than I could have imagined. But I still want so have my cake and eat it too. ( I actually hate that phrase) So here I rambled and spilled out what has been going on up there, brace yourself for more.