I was looking at some pictures I took of the kids when trying to get that prefect Christmas card. When I looked at one of the pictures I thought,"someone is missing." What? I have four kids. I do not want to be pregnant again. But for some reason the picture didn't look full enough for me. There could easily be a logical explanation for this. My kids have lots of cousins and perhaps I was mentally comparing my little group shot to a group shot of them and their cousins. Or perhaps in my need to clutter up everything I thought there was too much space around them and the frame simply needed to be zoomed in closer. Then I thought that I might be reminded that there is a baby that will never be there due to the miscarriage that I had in April 2009. Perhaps, it's another way that the Lord is showing me that there is always room for one more as he keeps tapping my heart door open to the possibility of adoption. I think that's it. Adoption is a beautiful thing. It also scares the badoozles out of me. The idea of having another child to take care of and another heart to train overwhelms me. Fear of failure, selfishness, learning to trust God in all things; these are just some of the reasons that I struggle with this. But then you see things like this. Hear stories like this or this and wonder how you cannot be a part of something so close to God's heart. I don't know. I don't know. I went bungee jumping once and I started to freak out inside as I went up on the platform that rose until it was time to leap. I was freaking out and yet I wanted it so bad. I did it and it was the most amazing feeling to free fall and soar through the air the whole while knowing that I was secured to something and not going to get hurt. I've been told and experienced that there is nothing so great as knowing you are where God wants you to be. I feel like adoption or foster care or something along those lines is a bungee jump that freaks me out, but I know the result could be amazing if it's what He has for us. We shall see, but He already knows.
*not me in the photo
